as long as you are not at my playground i just can sing
well i'm a one man band
nobody knows nor understands
is there anybody out there wanna lend me a hand?
to my one man band...
this is it!
see me now sorry......
It is clear you're acting silly, it must be very easy for YOU.
That saying I love you here I loved you there, chokes with yr acts, BUT, I will just pretend it is not so, because I want to. Where did I see you sorry?
one sentence isn't enough to understand what you mean...
won't you explain? hm? hm?
We do not have to confuse love with this.
I would never feel that you were in your evolution behind me
I would never think you were stupid and then laugh about you
"boring" doesn't exist in my world as "guilty" doesn't exist
as I talked about my stool it wasn't related to your words
interpretation is a big field..
I cried many times because of this conversation but all ways I loved you
ok let's get out of here.
Afterall I am not the one who is able to understand you, unfortunately...
I know I hurt you with my words....please forgive...it was never(!) my intention, hope you believe.
it's hard to explain why it took place..
I know it seems a bit paradoxical, my actions, feelings and so on
just can say, we had many misunderstandings, maybe to another time it will be clearer for you... and for me too!
and... if you would say you want to see, I would search, not because I think it would be good to read such a horror story, just an only for getting out the mistrust.
its very important to have a honest base....very....really!
love both songs.............
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uPVT0GboK8" title="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uPVT0GboK8">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uPVT0GboK8</a>
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a70KSA4wKQ" title="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a70KSA4wKQ">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a70KSA4wKQ</a>
you should dig this marvellous singer
If I said yes let me have a look on those newspapers? what would you ever do?
I do not know what to say because you look like you are so sensitive, oh so sensitive beyond the normal but then your actions don't relate...
It is quite strange, yes, no I don't know you at all. And I have no idea what you recently passed through. I cannot even understand, even if I use the most of my imagination. I would try to give you advices but it would be too easy by my side so I will not.
That is why I am just dedicating you a song...hum now I will think for a while and I will put the link. Just let me have the "inspiration"...
..not right I remember I thought it must be a joke few days after that...
and I chose to believe something isn't true with this story till trial because
it was very important to be strong for my parents and all the other persons who were involved.. so maybe it's important for you too not to believe, don't know why...
but if you want I can search for the newspaper of that days, almost sure I will find,
really all media reported about that....
..and i dont understand what should be key words..didnt use metaphors or subtext..
...and sorry if you were scared.. as this happened i was scared too so i understand your reaction very well... you asked and i am just honest
hm, if you want to believe it was a joke, believe...
and I really would be happy if this never happened and I just kid
but I want to say, it was "just" attempted murder, our friend is still alive...
that's a luck...and that he was too stupid for suicide were not my words,
that said the judge...and my brother..maybe too....
don't know what to say...
I'm too tired....
I have strange feelings in me and can't get it out.....
Good! your key words will be detected for sure now!
You will be lucjy if police will not come to your house in short time, what kind of a fox you are!
Well I don't believe a word you say, now
You want to kid? kid!
But then don't say you are my friend.
Your naif way to scare me forgets that we will never meet
it's a "special lawyer" for exhibitionism I hope he is able to work good
yes we foreigners raped and murdered too much and we are to stupid to suicide before polici come.........
get trapped in stockholm? don't know what you mean
sleeping hope sounds nice
I know a good lawyer you know?
But in any case, what's all this jail? You foreigners go to jail so easy...
The story of the invisible indian reminds to me some invisible cow boy catching him.
It has been the first stuff coming to my mind, sorry!
In any case, yeh you are obviously my counter-ego, opposite poles like north and south like black and white, cool!
I don't know but in the very subconscious I imagined something like that.
Hope now I don't get trapped in Stockholm too much...if you know what I mean,
That's a coincidence behind this I am sure...
In any case my finger doesn't hurt anymore. what did you mean with maybe it's a good lawyer? The hope that dies? I didn't get. Hope never dies, it can be asleep for a while, not?
maybe i can imagine maybe not - who knows
your hurting finger made me think about my hurting heart
then its clear i'm not your alter ego
i'll write the story of the invisible indian now for my brother who is in jail
so he can understand that we have more ways for communication than
two times in a month... (that's not enough time for his insane mind)
i will celebrate the day with my neighbour who will be recently in jail too...
hope dies last.... maybe it s a good lawyer.....
ancestral would be used in this case as very very undefined thing as I do not really know what it is.
My imaginary side is so wide you could not imagine...
But thank you when you say you like my humor which is not english, hihihi, should you check my profile, you will discover, hehehe...
yes but don't feel too sad ok?
What is that you thought about my finger? I didn't get it,
Annd yo! Big activity today, It's clear it's sunday!
Here it is very rainy and cold today, not the perfect time but I conform and I am happy.
Alter-ego was only a "first impression" about what I read from you, but you see...
More than a week? hum...no I don't think I known you before
Best regards taC
ancestral? sounds like irrevocable or undefined... did you mean that?
lack of what?
I think you breakfasted an imaginary clown
I like your humor
hmm sometimes I laugh while I cry because I see it's just my ego what's making me feel that
but sadness is also an important feeling to see who I am...
just thought about that because of your finger..
ah yeh...bit sad ok...
well nah! don't be sad
ops...but you said I wasn't in a bad mood...
I read "I was in a bad mood" ops eheheh sorry!!!
oh you are ok then!
it must be some ancestral feeling I have got inside...
I don't know. Many are the things I did (and do wrong) unfortunately.
There is a sort of a lack of something I feel inside, no matter circumstances
but as you correctly told to me, we have to find plentyness inside us.
Don't be sad, please
I would like to make you laugh..hum
I would like to breakfast a clown too but actually I do not know personally any clown.
which can be good because clowns are not always that fun
something funny hum
yeh I have got it! time ago I was closing a door and my middle finger got kept in!!!
well, it was not funny... It hurt very a lot
hum somthing else?
if yopu have a nice joke feel free to tell so we can laugh together
for the moment I can't recall anything, silly me!
ah and... if I am your alter ego we know longer than a week....
well... do you know the root of your possession feeling related to me?
hmmm I'm not sure what I feel
I wasn't in a bad mood last days
maybe tired because I worked a lot
and a bit sad
hmmm I dont know
Ok come on... afterall you answer if and when you want.
I mean, it is all right...
That was possession and expextation feeling. Pls excuse my stupid behaviour.
We "know" each other since a week afterall, no problem.
It's a pity you didn't feel good last days.
Are you ok now?
please forgive if I made you wait with my 3 days
I just took a distance to see what is in me and for renewing..
it's ok if you want to do it too
I just think about your motivation...
I breakfasted a clown today, sorry when I took you on a wrong foot
you know what? I ve just changed my mind...not on wednesday, you will just not know when. And then you can decide what to do!
You will always win thought...you even know when...
Ok now I will just make you wait 3 days for my answer!
see my words on wednesday!!!
identity stuff is still an elephant in a little room so..
hello, my name is V., Vi, Vivi, Vé, Fe, VeRo (rolled r), Ronik, Vennik, Véronique-
I guess, all recently names I have... ah last name is Schneider
my name means triumph bringing tailor. I don't know if it's important,
I just read in janosch's peter strawhead and the invisible indian it would be..
because we a r e our name... hm nice theorie.
today I started with my intestinal-story (I really treat you like all my friends)
and now I do .... WHAT??
haha who knows.. I do not....or maybe...
ahh yep, I know, I just want to make it a bit more boring..
boring is the opposite of interesting, not?
I stop imagine something.
I'm sure you're not my neighbour though it would be nice,
I mostly talk with them about.. hm .. other stuff...
(they don't want to hear my intestinal-stories but I tell it anyway)
aand.. hum.... I'm usually critical what people talk about themself,
because they just think that they are blabla but actually they act in another way,
maybe thats the reason why I dislike talking without seeing,
because there is too much space for.. something.. and it's easier to see,
what people are doing.. yes maybe that's my way of mistrust.
so wanted to say; believe it or not... I understand it..
haha I really make a glass-person of me..
I boycotted chats forums and social networks but there is one expectional,
very funny, exactly the same situation like now...
so no I don't think it's strange just can laugh abot it
ehm... something else?....
destroyed by others in a simple story...
you never lived with depressed-, choleric-, sadistic-, fear-filled-, borderline-, schizophrenic-, self-injuring- personalities?
in that case... I guess it's impossible to explain simple how I can be destroyed by feelings of others...
ahh, a picture:
let's say everything is a wave, feelings too (like music) and you get all day and night special waves of destruction either you have strong roots in your selflove or you are in this flow very fast.. but sooner or later it happens.. (maybe just to me)
it would be much better if depressed-waves would interchanged to love-waves, not?
sometimes it happens and then I'm happy but I have not an explcetablabla forgot the word...
oh sorry I see I didn't write so much about the facts of my life as I wanted...
couldn't read to the end-got a crap stimulus
had the last days a constipation- very stubborn
and now....... hmm......................
I could have lied all this time, how could you see this?
You could have lied too...eh! the mistrust!
I do not know how I wil treat you, it will come natural to me.
For this instant I will treat you like an unknow person, as actually you are...
I will try to avoid my pre-conceptions (it will not be easy at all) and see who is you. Who is the person to who I am directing these words?
You could be a child, full of - again - expectations,
you could be a very nasty one full of bad intentions,
you could be just a curious one who wants to see this like it was for a penfriend.
Or you could be a pilot for this machine to make it more interesting.
I will not know which kind of the above you are, but I will try not to treat you too bad.
There must be some reason for this, or maybe not. But I think there is.
You could be neighbour or you could be thousands miles away.
I think it's the distance to make everything so interesting.
You are free to imagine what you want as I am.
Of course I don't believe in the fact you find life easy, as I tend not to believe in easy puzzles.
Actually I find reality to be slightly more complicated than you and I chatting on the Strokes fan forum. Thought I admit my vision is quite naive.
I do not know if we are meant to be friend, this is impossible to say in advance, but I am sure we are both interested: I am interested in something I imagine you could have and you are interested in something you imagine I could have. What? only ourselves knows.
As said before nor you nor me are needy persons. So you do not have any reason to "assist" me. I do not have any reason to "assist" you either.
So why? what is this?
is this a mystery or a big lie we tell each other?
Don't you find it quite strange?
I think you are my alter ego, not sure though, and possibly you think the same things that I do..
So the puzzle, yeh, it become easy, but what image will come out when it's done?
and then how ever can a person destroy you with her/his feelings? You should really explain it to me with an easy example because I don't understand.
Regarding action, you are very safe by my side. But I think you meant something else.
ok I think I thought only about the action part before.
I thank you very very much for your answer taC,
kisses to a flower
Ok friend I am thinking for a while and answer to you.
i didnt say that it was me who made the bread..
but you can treat me like a girl it doesnt bother me.
you can also treat me like a flower
would you embrace or trample me to grow higher
or like a tree, climb or top me
or water that you could drink
but also you could piss in
treat me like a vagina or a dick
sounds like i were just for a fick
no, i don't think just and only trough my perception.
no, not difficult so i'm not confident.
worst case is death? hm hm interesting.
i'm usually in love with this thought
it gives me energy to do what i want.
once i wanted to kill myself regularly
that was the first step to say fuck you to persons
who allegedly loved me but actually treated me bad as hell.
that is by the way the reason why i disappeared.
ans still do.
because if persons destroy me with their feelings
my heart (or selflove) says: NO! GO!
expectations to friends? boh.
i can be sad or angry because i see many grand possibilities and nobody acts
but i have not an expectation..
to be honest and open is my basis for a friendship
if after a while i cannot find this, i disappear too.
we can all choose.
i can choose to go when others choose to be bad or a liar.
easy puzzle, not?
ps I just buy bread...
I don't need anyone to be happy and complete.
In my everyday life I reason about the fact that I should really like someone, and that someone should really bring an improvemet to my life, to get busy with, because otherwise, I am really better alone.
I do not think I need someone to be happy. Yeh you are right I need me, to be happy, my consciousness, my self awareness and the knowledge of myself. I admit I lack sometimes a little bit in it, but that's all I really need. Nothing else.
Cleared that, I think I can go on.
The mention to the bread makes me inevitably think you are a girl. That is why I will treat you so from now on, and you will not know if I am male or female either.
You say perception...Do you think is it possible to get the right thing just and only through you and your perception? Even if fear is not involved? I am not really sure about it.In a strange way I understand what you mean, I think it is part of the human condition. But, as long as it is human...
SoooYou did not exhaustively reply to any of my questions, but I will forgive you
Why did I think about who stops first?
As I already told you, I know I am running in circle. And I know it's very bad to try to get you to the circle as well...
But how can I say?
It is like a limbo made of sugar you know? It's the internet addiction, it's the hey I pretend I talk to you! You know? I honestly do not know why...
If I think it is difficult for you? Yeh I think it is! As for anyone afterall. But be confident, it will get better. I will not investigate about yr identity anylonger. You didn't, why should I?
yr messages are intricated puzzles so difficult to uderstand, to me too.
But yr funny, yr intention is funny, so I will take this side of you. Which I like. It is what I am given so far, and this is what I will take.
The worst case would be that the earthquake makes my house falling over my head. Or the people I love.
""maybe the answer of your "consider-question" is:
empathy and fantasy/creativity.... not sure what you mean...""
Empathy I feel it a lot too. Thought some luminars say it doesn't exist. That also worries me...but... whatever yes empathy. Fantasy tooyeh :] yeh going agaist all you said. If you ever had any expectation about yr puppy friend, what this would be?
Consider, consider, consider
of one thing I am sure
You are not Justin Bieber
usually I don't want to say that there is an objective prevailing truth
so I say everybody has a own reality..or world...
and at the moment I do not understand yours..but I try!
in my reality we make constructions how something should be or so
and that is what I call created world.
the question is why do we create a construction like:
"I need someone to be happy or complete"
if we think we need, we go in relationships with exactly this thought
and than -what a surprise- we are in expectations and finally sad because
nobody is able to give what we need (except ourselves)
for me the first step was to let go the thoughts of need-something.
expectations disappeared, no longer a lie and not so much pain.
why do you say we use to be wrong?
I don't understand from my standpoint... but maybe it's because of my english..?
mistrust is a big topic...starts with me and my perception..
if I am in fear then it's a skewed sample and I stop thinking because everything whats coming out is bullshit
if I wouldn't stop the result is running in circle
aand.. I also can trust my brother if his feeling is clear
if he is angry or aggressive, sad or afraid- I cannot trust.
in (self)love it's much easier to see and to understand
my question is; what do you fear?
whats the worst case?
I understood that you meant stop replying
my question is: why did you think about it?
hmm mean, did you think it's too complicated for me or...what?
up to that point I try the rest of your message is very confusing..
maybe the answer of your "consider-question" is:
empathy and fantasy/creativity.... not sure what you mean...
now I'm hungry!
The truth is a very overestimated concept. What is true and what is not?
Why am I not able to distinguish?
Because what we want to see, this, is our truth.
Overestimated because it not necessarily is.
So we live in a lie, having expectations about others which we should never have anyway. Because in any case, we use to be wrong, at least I do.
Now, it seemed to me for a while that you would have been the one to stop first.
This was the whole "stop" thing...The one who desn't reply anymore, stops.
Of course I will not stop, but please remind to me when and and where did I meet you, as I do not really remember.
You know? Sometimes I feel I cannot even trust my own brother, how ever would I trust you? But afterall how ever would I trust anyone?
In this fear of mistrust. In this freacking fear
I am addressing to you my dear
who do you long to be? (I don't even know what it means..)
why should you ever see?
what is that you consider about me?
whatever is done, is gone.
But I embrace you at all
from the flesh to the bones
well... I wrote something like...
you are grand and I am happy.
maybe he meant you were a bit lost if you are not grounded.
and lost is another word for insecure is another word for fear.
I don't need a playground. I need nothing because I'm enough.
but it's much more fun to have..
sometimes it takes some time to change an old thought
I guess it doesn't matter if first changes the action and then the construction
or first construction is destroyed and then action changes
finally the same
just important to see thoughts/acting/feelings, understand deeply and choose/change
I just could hate you if I would hate myself
hate were not related to your person it's a mirror of how I treat me
maybe everything (in relationships) is an expression of the inside,
I think we can let expectations go but it's nice to have flexible ideas
why do you think about who stops first?
I don't understand this..
is it an expectation?
OHH NO... I see my last message is.. I don' t know where...
hmm... I'll write it again, after my coffee/cigarette/yoga session..
Ok! Let's consider it...
you must be Kookie as you made my head turn, as she often did to me.
all right, of course yr grade of evolution is much more advanced than mine.
Taken that, then, for stated now,
1st answer: the reason for scary fear. Actually there should be no reason to be scared, I don't think that a knife will come out of this screen making me what Jack Nicholson made in "the shining".
So ok, fears will be taken apart in here.
See, I am still coherent to myself so far...
There is no reason to be scared. I will repeat it like a mantra before getting asleep.
After this revelation I think you gave some improvement to my life.
To be able to love the way you do dear, is a priviledge not for all, I want to say.
Your way to be is not for all in my opinion.
I thought about my parent who told me once that if I 've had studied, and then he said the author, forgive I don't remember, I would have been able to recognise the features of the people by the face just cause it seems he analised them all.
And I said, Paul what are then mine? And he said: study! and I said but if you know it why should I ever study it? You'll tell me! and he said: you are over the lines (don't know if I can say it in english) and he basically said I must be more grounded. Maybe he just wanted to say You are ugly, but this is not the subject of my analysis.
I do not really know what is the lesson for it. what does it mean to be grounded?
English is a marvellous language because grounded comes from ground and it becomes all very immediate and easy.
Ground, you need yr playground, you need ground to put roots in and make them flowerish. Ground you know?
In the facts I act like you say but I think the way I told you before. A box yeh...possibly.
It is quite controversial I know. It is all about the finding of the balance.
People like you make see a more grand and vast horizon. More over there. If you know what I mean. But again, I am trying to be myself whatever is the mood. I feel tired cause I worked a lot today, I am avoiding to be a negative person, so I will not be.
It's the duty of everyone to search for. And the searching is constant, you can never give up.
I thoought always believed in the "special one". Sort of fatalisic way to see. Maybe coming from fears again. You look for something far cause you're afraid of what is near. You look for something too big for you, cause you're afraid of what's for you and so on.
all moves moved by fear.
That is running in circle. I can understand this.
Instead of hating me, you chose to love me, which is the best thing you can do. Instead of ignoring me, you consider me, though in ancient times you would have not wondered about it twice.
It is amazing what love can do, it can beat anything, yes it's true.
Accepting changes is fundamental I think, and I wonder if we have to have expectations or not, speaking generally I intend.
Now it's only matter to see who stop first.
..the reason for a scary fear
my life in love and freedom both have no border
the border I chose is for possessive mentality, claims, dependence,
inferiority feelings and (self)aggressions
(I can compress this things in "fear")
because it hinders me in my (child)development
what is the best decision I ever took - a decision of my heart.
( I also did it long time in another way)
so for me it's not a pity to disagree, it's the best I can do
to say "no" to borders of social conceived constructions,
what's making me unfree and unhappy.
in my reality you're in this respect in a box but thats your decision too,
it's no problem for me as long as you don't say
"everyone in the world"
because at least there is one person who is doing it in another way:
and I just say hello
why do you find this attitude very bad?
clyde and kookie destroyed, made up, created, stagnated,...again and again...
but I still love them.
if I understand myself I can understand you
for me that's the first step to be no stranger..
I don't know your definition of stranger or acquaintance.. so?
in my reality I can say you are my friend
I actually can say I love you
and the best is: its true
thank you for this conversation
and now...I am just waiting till tomoww...O-O
What's the reason for what?
Weeell I think you chose one but you do not want to say it
and if not, well I find it very bad
and I never said I do believe you, I think...
Yes I am grave and heavy as hell
but I feel fantastic and light as a leaf
when you say you are happy for something (hihihihihih) I give
thought it's a pity you disagree
I take the sunny side of shining and I find it let's say...true, yeh let's say it
Clyde in the past made up my days
and kookie destroyed them at all
What about yours?
It takes some effort to understand you to me
you just wanted to recall a song afterall, in the beginning
I see an improvement in communication
But still, it is soon to get what you really say
I am just a stranger
you're a stranger too
but I feel you're like a reader...that is why I do not stop writing
to lead you until the end of this passage
which only you can inspire this precise and particular
way, right now
at the end of it, of course, I will have not said anything
but I will have entertained you for a lttle while.
Maybe bored you...which sounds horrible to my sight
But boring is an underestimated concept if you think well about it.
Yes you are my friend (hum how I lie...)
I thank you for this
and finally reach the end.
i felt the scary fear it's just mistrust and disappears with (self)love..for sure!
what's the reason for it?
you know it's not my reality just to choose one,
why do you still believe?
don't worry about your graveness, i am happy with everything you give,
though i disagree
hm i guess he meant shining like the sun but maybe
there was also an association to stepehen king.. oO
aaand... i'm still curious what cookie and clyde should tell me...so?
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