Are You There God? It's Me, Nikolai

Aug 07

Are You There God? It's Me, Nikolai

Posted by robotrocks on

Wow. I feel kind of dumb. I never tried talking to you before. But I need some help, divine intervention maybe. So here goes... OK, it's harder to ask than I thought. Maybe I should give you some background about myself, remind you of who I am. I hang out with my best buds, Fab and Albert. Fab's kind of hyper and Albert ... well he's Albert! Dresses cool and boasts a whole lot! There's this boy Julian. Words can't even describe him. I have this huge crush on him but he doesn't even know I exist. And why would he? See, Nick's also got a kind of crush on him - Nick is prettier than me and slimmer, with nice hair. What wouldn't I give to cut my hair in the same way but it's too thick. I'd look like I was wearing some kind of helmet, godammit! Shit...sorry. Didn't mean to use your name. Anyways, I'm tired so I'll speak to you more tomorrow night.

Are you there God? Hi, yeah, its Nikolai again, remember?

I can't believe I'm praying before bedtime again, I guess I must be desperate! Anyways, today Fab and Bert and I all went to the mall. We looked in the music store - Fab always makes us look under S to check we're in there - before going to get some food. I couldn't believe when Fab said he'd invited Julian - maybe I'd get the courage to talk to him today. I got a Happy Meal (chicken nuggets and coke) with some shitty dog toy. We just sat down at the table when Julian walked in and went to the counter. His hair was messy, his shirt was open where a button had fallen off and his pants were dirty and torn. He was beautiful. He came and sat next to me. Bert starting kicking me under the table and Fab kept winking. I wish I'd never told them now.

Julian opened his Happy Meal container. "Oh fuck". He threw his hamburger on the floor. I wanted to ask what was wrong, to put my arm around those firm shoulders and comfort him. But I couldn't. "What's up?" Fab asked. "I have every single `animal in my pocket' except the motherfucking dog. I just got the cat. I ALREADY HAVE THE SHITTY CAT" he yelled. Oh my god (sorry). I clutched the dog in my palm, feeling gratitude towards McDonalds I'd never felt before - not even when I won a competition colouring in Ronald McDonald when I was 6. If I gave Julian this dog, he would thank me. He would NOTICE me. Suddenly a dog dropped onto the table. It wasn't mine. "Hey Jules, you want this?" a voice asked. I looked up. Nick.

"Oh man. MAN!" Julian jumped up and hugged him. "It was nothing" Nick said modestly, batting his eyes. I don't know what I hated more, the round blue innocence of Nick's eyes or the mocking stare of the dog peering up at me from the table. God, tonight I ask one small favour - please, please may you cause every one of Nick Valensi's super long eyelashes to fall out. Thank you.

Are you there God? Hey, how you doing?

Today I had other things on my mind besides my love life (or lack of). Albert came into my room today wearing BOXER SHORTS. He said he was big enough, you know, down there, to wear boxer shorts now and that Y front underpants were too restricting for his manly body. Shit God, I know Albert is a total boaster and show off, and probably making it up but I still feel like a baby. Please make me grow so I can buy a real man's underwear.
Are you there God? Its Nikolai again.

I don't really have much to say today. I slept in late, kept my pyjamas on all day and watched TV. I did go to the shops at some point to get some Fondant Fancies before Oprah came on, and I'd forgotten to get dressed. This woman looked at me weird. I wanted to yell HEY LADY, HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A GUY IN FUSHIA THERMALS BEFORE? But I didn't. I stood closely against the shelf of tinned beetroot hoping to blend in. Why wasn't I blessed with the power of invisibility? I almost talked in public today. When the guy on the checkout gave me back my change I mouthed "Thank you". All I need now is some volume. And anyways, at least I made eye contact (for a full two seconds!) Take it slowly.

I learned from Oprah that the best way to disguise the fuller figure is to wear shirts just above the waist (so material doesn't strain over hips, ass and waist) and to avoid brightly coloured belts. I think maybe I could share some of this advice with Julian - he has curves in all the right places. But then I think he might get offended and hate me.

By the way, Oprah didn't say anything about how skinny whores should dress, Nick! (haha)

Ps I didn't notice any change down there yet. Any help would be appreciated.

Pps As far as I know, Nick still has eyelashes. Come on, just pull out a couple?

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