as long as you are not at my playground i just can sing
well i'm a one man band
nobody knows nor understands
is there anybody out there wanna lend me a hand?
to my one man band...
this is it!
nooooo not me, my parents took that plane...
and I'm playing nurse for my grandma
but I had an idea, (maybe a stupid one, you decide)
I thought, you dont want to give me money for a plane,
you don't want to meet me in g.many
you dont want to send me a ticket,
so why dont you send me a guy with ticket?
ask one of your friends! not?
if you think its stupid please tell me why,
and I'll try to figure out something clever...
(it's just: I don't understand why it must be so difficult to meet you
and when I don't understand your reasons I cannot imagine a way for us)
new journey next week...
if you (or someone else) want to say something... now is the time..
but I'll be back in a month if you want to wait...
I would like to know:
how is your mood?
anyway... this journey isn't on my mind anymore
I've watched Jostein Gaarder's "sofie's world"
(when it was a "no", ignore my words
is that a "yes"??
do you want to know something about my journey?
I got many pictures of you yesterday.
in the end you had such a beautiful smile that I cried
(because of happieness)
that's your decision?
and I guess def agrees with you,
think he would say something against it,
if he had another point of view, right?
the only stupidity you have is to read the mails I write for my friends
and as long as you are addicted to me
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL --> N E V E R<-- FORGIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kiki, could you ever forgive my stupidity?
I do not have any email of you, which makes me wonder you might have done some mistakes...but, still for you, I have got something:
"Clear your mind
envision what you want
While you realize I am not amongst
just leave me alone"
lovely all of you
what is a zoo?
I see it's a place
without any grace
it was never me
who creates slavery
I was in this concept long enough
yes it's really very tough
the only thing I can do
not just for me also for you
is to break the cage you made for me
and now I'm flowing free
and the translation or action because of that is:
I'll not come to norway or maybe I do but not for a concert,
just for visiting my friend nayara..
anyway I want concerts just for hearing music,
not longer for standing and waiting of my ghostfriends.
you know where I am
if you really want to see me, everybody is invited..
by the way I boycott real zoos since years
clear that I boycott your created zoo after a while too.
I'm happy with my life.
it would be grand to share with you
but it's no tragedy not to do.
I'm not longer in a digital room.
you have my email whenyou want to say something.
and a big thank you that I could see in our relationship who I am
and what a wonderful place earth is
(I was sure about it before but in another way)
my last story about my first experience with telepathy:
I guess it's 2 years ago
M. and I were in a group for organise a youth-environment-congress
he had an thought transverence with another person of the group
and told me that (in fear) before the next meeting, I was a bit afraid because I didn't want that- doesn't matter who- could be in my head.
the person who did it with M, I call him didi, was very nice and gentle
but had a problem with aggressions when he was hurt.
so there was a conflict with other members me and didi searched for a solution
buut then higgledy-piggledy he saw everywhere the enemy and acted like this.
all involved persons were sitting later around a table,
I felt that he was very nervous and in fear because he hurt me very.
and all the others were nervous and afraid too, because of the stressful atmosphere...
he was so in fear that he had not the courage to ask me for forgiveness or so
and started a conversation in my head.
I let it happen though I disliked it..
can't remember the complete content but finally
he said loud; and what to do now?
and I said in my/his head: ASK ME
and he asked loud: what do you think about it?
we started a conversation in which he saw that I'm not resentful.
but that only happened because he said it loud.
phh long story for a little point:
don't build on the "fact" that I'll get what you feel or think on the line.
that's not a fact, I guess mostly I don't get it.
if you want to know something, ask. HERE
if you want to say something, speak. HERE
if you don't want to say or ask: don't call me.
EASY, I think.
and now I'll just wait till you response my questions.
don't think I'll run after you for communicatiion.
if you don't answer I will create the reality that you won't.
do you read the book of j.k.?
why do you call me?
<a href="http://www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/freedom-from-the-known" title="http://www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/freedom-from-the-known">http://www.jiddu-krishnamurti.net/en/freedom-from-the-known</a>
I think one reason for our problems is:
you want a solution for me and not for you.
you don't care what happen with your feelings, you go the way of a slowly suicide with your body......
as long as you don't want the best for you,
you cannot give me a solution.
it would be just on the surface and the roots of the problem grow still.
what would love do now?
my problem is:
you misinterpret my words and because of that grows a conflict.
is it no problem for you?
alter ego forwards and backwards...
there is nothing to loose and nothing to win
the only question is how much do we love.
and it seems in that point it works not very..
or what is with your message that our definitions of love are too different?
you wanted to cut, you remember?
I don't understand "you never call me"...
in my reality I do...
you said nothing to my messages before.
this way of conversation when I go into what you say and you don't
isn't good, I think.
I often don't know what you mean, and I guess my answer is not exact...
and with your interpretations... hmmm...
I don't need a solution for me, I need a soultion for you.
Remember Kookie: you're my alter ego.
But you never call me.
I don't know how painful your experience was in the past years.
I guess very and many when you suppose a mean intention behind almost everything I say.
You wanted a solution I gave you the way for a solution:
communication. questions. answers.
yes I do it with pleasure. because I'm thankful for EVERY conversation.
not just with you.
I told so many persons the stories with my family and my depressions,
because it was good to learn something.
about me and my way to tell and the content.
you must do nothing. except to die.
you should know that.
if you don't want, let it.
you don't have to do me a favor.
I think you're doing harmful NOW
I said nothing with november.. what should be then?
is that your answer of my questions?
I guess you overlooked... but ok...
the way I dig inside your selfdestruction:
don't know what way you mean. I ask you and I tell you my standpoints,
and I mediate, but just for me I know other persons are involved,
all the time not just when I mediate so.... what do you mean exactly?
and yes, I feel mostly joy, and yes I also can feel joy while I talk about "bad" things.
but it's not related to the topic, I mean:
I don't feel joy because of you selfdestruction.
yesterday I cried a lot because of it.
oh my... so strange the image you made of me....
and of course when you want to forget me, do it, it's your decision.
I mean really; when you see me how you described
I wonder why you don't leave me directly.
I wonder why you didn't leave me 3 weeks ago.
I wonder why you didn't leave me... when..? ten years? or what?
don't understand you.
when it's a part of your selfdestruction to talk with me,
PLEASE leave me"!
so that you can be more in peace than before.
"You say about yr love and my angry, I feel you just suck my feelings for yourself leaving me all the shit inside yourself. But ok I will try to defend myself from it."
what means that??
how fast your mood change.
what is happened in one day?
the way you dig inside my self destruction honey, I find it very cruel, as it reveals some joy by yr side.
Thank you very much. I should really forget you forever, you know it would be the best solution.
You say about yr love and my angry, I feel you just suck my feelings for yourself leaving me all the shit inside yourself. But ok I will try to defend myself from it.
Should you think I am doing harmful, even by distance or only in small amount, pls inform me.
November 24 u said?
our steps were too fast, I know. I want to respond. I will respond.
it's more than one solution.
we search together, yes?
I guess questions are the only way to find out
so it's important not to overlook.
and I don't ask because I want to make you unsure,
it's just curiosity.
I think you damage in different ways, or?
so where do you notice your destruction?
and when did it start?
maybe you can see the emotion behind?
and I want to say sorry for the song deceptacon,
I just celebrated two sentences of it.. I dislike the rest..
Dear unknown friend,
you do not see me either, I try to talk to you but you don't respond accordingly, it is true: I am damaging myself allways.
Give me pls the solution, I promise I will follow.
and I forgot to relativise my text:
of course it's only my reality my family would say other stuff
as you think about our story in another way.
sorry I generelized at a point:
I know sometimes you see me and you
and sometimes you speak with me and not with your past.
it's when you are in love. of course.
I was laying in my bed and thought about you, I and my family.
saw the way till yet.
it still makes me so undescribable sad, but I do my best to explain.
I call the story:
terror/war starts at home
I grew up with a wolf as father and a bear as mother.
the wolf said more than one time a day in different ways I would be silly, stupid, worth nothing. I lay crying on the bathroomfloor, chose this room because it was the only door to lock, both were standing before and shouted that they would kick it in.
I know they were overwhelmed, maybe thought I would suicide but I don't think it was the best solution to act like this.
my father said at this time that he were lucifers son, at night he heard manowar, dark living room- just candles, many alcohol. his intention was to bring fear because he was hurt that my ma had an affair but she didn't admitted.
me and my brother agreed that we couldn't say if he would be a frenzied attacker one day, we decided that we both let the window open everytime, so if I or he would shout the other could come and hit a whatever against our fathers head.
and how could I stay there without being complete destroyed?
yea I started to destroy too.
in two seconds I was more angry and hateful as my father, so hejust could sit there with an open mouth and said nothing more.
but this behavior grew and I did it with many other persons too.
my first step was to say sorry.
a big step.
a necessary step.
and I understood that this behaviour is far away from love.
you don't see the violence you do to me.
you don't see you.
you don't see me.
I don't want to hurt you with my story.
I was laying in my bed and cried because you still destroy your mind and body with all this things from your past. you didn't look at them again, so you're not now and here.
I don't know with who you're speaking. it's not me.
no, it's not me.
but as my parents, I love you.
I see so much beauty in you, you really have no idea.
so much.. and it makes me so sad to see how you hit yourself.
every time when you hit me.
again and again.
I'm a happysad child and you?
please don't treat other children like me.
please stop to tread yourself this way.
I don't write this because of your last message.
it was in my head before I looked what you've wrote.
and........ please forgive when I hurt you with something I said.
I know it happens fast in your reality.
You are more angry and hateful than me Lucie!!
our relationship started because of the highest feeling what exist in the whole universe:
love. and love is god.
a nightmare grows because of fear.
that's the absence of love.
we both can decide what kinda film we make.
hope the maggots in the eye of love will capulate.
in your position?
I would say that I'm insecure and hurt directly when it happens.
and not change this feelings into anger and hate.
I just have to make a two hours roundabout...don't know why...
yes I am ur worst nightmare and you're my worst nightmare too!! It's so reciprocal you would never believe! I find it really...strange! But strange is not enough!
Mistrust yes! It's is not likely to happen, and it is likely to happen at the same time, with the same possibility!
Could it be nice for the duration of a holiday? do you like holidays? I love them! And tomorrow I am on holiday and I hope all is going to be ok baby
You're my baby
see me lady
You're my toy
come on boy
What I do?
I love you!!
Ok baby, whatever...drive me crazy! You know you can!
But rememeber that if I go crazy is when I left you!
I wonder how would you act in my position...Think anout it darling!
..and I don't love your mistrust...
it's not a part of your heart, it's on your mind and fading
and I'm SO SURE about it because I saw me and my mistrust...
your mistrust is everytime the reason for a catastrophy
maybe because you confuse "love" with other stuff..
how can you doubt?
of course I do!
And I say: do you love Julian?
instead I say:
hey julian! you? here?
how are you?
nice hairstyle today!
I take the question back.. I know why...
I'm silly because I choose to be, so am I really silly or intelligent?
what is your definition of both?
and why dear are you such a despot?
why dear are u so silly?
I always forgive you without youto deserve it...tsk...topic?
will be rainy or sunny tomorrow?
and if that was a question:
M. and I never had sex
I'm thankful for every second we had
there is no reason to be here if you won't be with me...
I don't know what to do
if you are not ready to tell me your needs,
how can you expect that I satisfy?
are you angry or sad?
please here, --------------------------
you choose a topic
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